Put down all sharp objects, refrain from food and drink and make sure you have a spare pair of underwear to hand – for here is the second of what will probably be many installments of Paedo Humour!

The first installment of paedo humour got such a good response that I thought I’d give you a little more of what you like (and for real suckers for punishment there’s a third part here).

I’m kicking off with my all-time n°1 favourite paedo joke (which also happens to be my all-time n°1 favourite boy-with-welders-goggles joke too):

A little boy is walking down the road and finds a pair of welders goggles.
He thinks to himself, “these look smart,” and puts them on.
A paedophile in a car pulls up alongside the kid and the bloke says, “do you know anything about blowing cocks?”
The kid says, “no, sorry.”
He then asks, “what about masturbation?”
And again the kid says, “no, sorry.”
The bloke, getting quite turned on now, asks, “what about sodomy and bondage?”
The kid says, “look, I’m not really a welder, I only found these…..”

My girlfriend came home the other day saying that people were saying that I was a paedophile.
I told her “whoa, slow down honey – that’s an awfully big word for a 7 year old.”

You know you’re a pedophile when:

– your idea of a date is lunch at Mcdonalds followed by watching a Disney film,
– you pick up your girlfriend from Elementary school,
– someone accuses you of being ‘gay’ and you feel relieved,
– you’re jealous of Justin Bieber,
– you shelve your copy of ‘Lolita’ with its spine facing the wall,

– you’re more paranoid about your “stash” than a drug addict,
– you prefer two 8 year olds to one 16 year old,
– everyone on your facebook page is going on about santa coming,
– you prefer to watch Home Alone when you’re home alone,
– you hope you’ll get some ‘Penis Reduction’ junk mail in your inbox,

What’s great about twenty six year olds?
There’s twenty of them.

What do Playstation and Michael Jackson have in common? They both get turned on by kids.

“I was out golfing by myself and I was having a rough day. Hook this, and shank that, it was horrible. But then on the 4th hole I was selecting my club when out of nowhere I heard “5 iron, 5 iron” I looked around and couldn’t see anyone yet I heard it again ” 5 iron, 5 iron” I thought, what the hell, I’ll try the 5 iron. Well to my surprise I hit the ball right to the green.”

“The next hole I heard the same little voice say “3 wood, 3 wood”. I finally had to find the source so I started towards the sound. It was coming from the bushes. Upon parting the leaves I noticed a frog. A talking frog! I picked it up and took it with me. It told me the right club choice on every hole.”

“Then the frog said “take me home, take me home” so I took the frog home with me. When we got to my home the frog said “bedroom, bedroom” so I brought it to the bedroom. As we were lying in bed the frog said “kiss me, kiss me” I thought, no, I’m not kissing a frog but it said it again “kiss me, kiss me. So I kissed it and it changed into a human”

“And that, your honor, is how the 12yo girl ended up in my bed.”

“Hello this is the blood bank, how can I help?”
“I’d like to book an appointment for myself, my wife and my daughter, please”
“Okay sir, just a couple of questions: have you ever had anal sex?”
“Why? Can’t you give blood if you’ve had anal sex?”
“No sir.”
“I’d like to book an appointment for my wife, please.”

A teacher is teaching her first grade class when she detects the stink of urine.
She looks around and finds little Jane sitting in a puddle of pee.
“Oh Jane!” the teacher says despondently. “Why didn’t you put your hand up instead?”
Jane replies, “I did, but the pee ran through my fingers.”

I’m testing a new font that only paedophiles can read.
How’s it working so far?

4 thoughts on “paedo humour – second installment

  1. At the time of the second MJ trial, this real groaner was going around:

    “Why is Michael Jackson having sex like a McDonald’s hamburger? Twenty-year-old meat and eight-year-old buns.”


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