Here’s third installment (as if you hadn’t suffered enough!) of ‘paedo humour’: all the best, and some of the worst, jokes that are either out there circulating in the real world or have been voided by my fevered, overwrought imagination. I hope the bottom of the barrel isn’t quite showing yet…

If these tickle your fancy and you want more you can find the first installment here and the second here.


Q. How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A. With a crow-bar

You know you’re a paedo when:

– you meet a Yummy Mummy and you’re more interested in the ‘Mummy’ than the ‘Yummy’,
– you think Emma Watson is at her hottest in the first Harry Potter film,
– the children’s clothing department is more of a turn-on than a sex shop,
– you have to lie to explain why there’s a pair of ‘Dora The Explorer’ panties in your underwear drawer,
– you know the names of all the My Little Ponies but don’t know who Angelina Jolie is,
– you have to separate the pages in your copy of ‘Lolita’ with a knife,
– you take the long route home just so you can get stuck in the end-of-school traffic outside the local primary school.

How many paedophiles does it take to change a light-bulb?
I don’t know – my wife is more concerned why I don’t hire an electrician instead.

I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now… I reached for my youngest daughter’s top – it came off with little resistance. Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor. Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her ‘My Little Pony’ panties I could feel they were already really, really damp…

Anyway, I’d better finish getting the rest of the washing in – it’s raining and my Parkinson’s isn’t making it any easier.

How many paedophiles does it take to change a light-bulb?
None, they screw in playgrounds, not light-bulbs.

A little girl takes her dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man, who is a little deaf, says, “Come again?”
The girl blushes and replies, “No, it’s yoghurt this time.”

I was sat outside with the wife when this blonde, big-boobed lady walked past with her little girl,
“Stop perving” sneered the wife, “I wasn’t” I protested “I was looking at her mum”

A little girl goes into a barber’s shop and stands next to the chair eating a cake.
“You’ll get hair on your muffin,” the barber tells the girl.
“Yes,” she replies, “and I’ll get tits too!”

tumblr_mc3hlnD6LV1qctkcl cropI wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile.
When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

A little girl goes into Santa’s grotto and sits on his lap.
Santa says, “Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?”
She replies, “Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!”
Santa says, “Would a big white beard be okay?”

Three priests are out taking three choirboys fishing, when the boat starts to sink.
“We’ve got to save the boys!” screams the first priest.
“Fuck the boys!” roars the second.
The third looks nervously at the water flooding the boat and asks “Do you think we’ve got time?”

Little Tracy comes home one day and tells her mom, “granddad gave me a cookie today, and all I had to do was climb up the flag pole.”
Her mother replied, “Oh, I know all about that little game. He just wants to see your panties. Don’t do it anymore.”
The next day little Tracy comes home and says, “granddad gave me cookie for climbing up the flag pole again.”
Her mother, mortified says, “Oh Tracy, why didn’t you listen to me when I told you he just wants to see your panties?”
Tracy replied, “But I did mom! This time I wasn’t wearing any!”

8 thoughts on “paedo humour – third installment

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