It’s been a while since I’ve rummaged round in the joke barrel and, what with the mid-winter gloom and the rather serious tone of recent posts, I thought a little light-relief might be in order.
I’ve steered clear of anything that is disrespectful to children, or which is informed with negative, inaccurate ideas about paedophiles. A couple of these, however, are a little darker and less innocent than in the previous three installments (which you can read here, here & here). This may be something to do with my state of mind, or because, if the bottom of the barrel hasn’t quite been reached, I’ve been maybe having to lean in a little deeper to fish the decent ones out.
So take the phone off the hook, pour yourself a glass of wine, turn your best sofa to the log-fire, sit your favourite small child on your lap and together enjoy this selection of the (fourth-)best paedo jokes out there.
(Warning: some of these jokes contain strong language and may not be suitable for small children*)
I totally smashed the world record today for holding your breath under water – 8 minutes 48 seconds.
It all started when the small girl at the swimming pool said to her father, “that’s the man there Daddy!”
…
Rolf Harris is set to appeal and will be tried again in front of a jury of children.
His lawyers are confident that he will get off.
…
How do you circumcise a Catholic priest?
Kick a choir-boy in the chin
…
The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening.
“And what name have you given this little boy?” asked the priest.
“It’s a girl,” said the father out of the side of his mouth. “You’ve got hold of my thumb!”
…
“I’m a 11-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk”
…
When I was a kid I was very ill in hospital and Gary Glitter came to visit me.
I was touched.
…
I was so proud when I saw my son getting his first blowjob.
It brought a lump to the back of my throat.
…
A little boy called Jonny has a swearing disorder. He’s 8 years old, and one day when he goes to school they are learning the alphabet.
Teacher: ‘Can anyone think of a word beginning with A?’
Jonny puts his hand up straight away, but the teacher know he’ll swear so she picks a girl called Julie.
Julie: ‘Apple Miss’
Teacher: ‘Well done, anyone got a word for the letter B?’
Jonny’s hand is up straight away, but she picks Dan knowing that Jonny will swear.
Dan: ‘Butter Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Well done, what about C?’
Jonny, yet again, puts his hand up straight away but the teacher still decides to choose someone else, Hannah.
Hannah: ‘Cup Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Well done. D?’
The teacher sees Jonny and thinks what can he say that is bad for D? So she picks Jonny.
Jonny: ‘Duck, Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Ohh, well done Jonny.’
Jonny: ‘With big fucking bollocks’.
…
My girlfriend cuddled up to me after sex. “Have you ever thought about… you know… children?” she asked.
“Fuck!” I thought. “How does she know?”
…
“Even though little Jenny is only 11,” I said to her mother and father at parents’ evening, “she’s already reading to the standard of a 16 year old.”
“We’re so proud!” said her father. “We always knew she was advanced for her age.”
“Well, then,” I said, “you’re going to love her sex education report.”
…
I was down the pub last night and Gary Glitter came on the jukebox.
Maybe I shouldn’t have put on St Winifred’s School Choir.
…
There’s an advent calendar for paedophiles.
Its the same as any other calendar, but it’s just got smaller flaps.
…
I was sat in the pub with my mate:
I said, “I got sacked from the primary school today.”
He said, “Why?”
I said, “I was doing something illegal and one of the children told their parents.”
He said, “Fucking kids.”
I said, “No, stealing stationery this time.”
…
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “paedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 19 and I’m 40.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
…
Why do paedophiles never win gold medals?
They always come in a little behind.
A man approached a little girl in the park
and asked her if she could help him find his puppy.
“No way!” she said. “My mummy told me about people like you.”
“What do you mean?” he protested. “I really can’t find my puppy and I need your help. It’s terrible how parents’ minds have been so poisoned by the gutter press that they end up teaching their children that all adults are child sex perverts!”
“Oh, OK.” she said. “What kind of puppy is he?
“He’s a sausage dog,” he said, “……….and I think he’s hiding down my underpants.”
…
Newsflash – Gary Glitter has attempted suicide by jumping into the sea.
Coastguards found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy!
* ;-)
Here’s some of my favorites. Feel free to steal them for your next installment.
How many pedophiles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Unknown. They all keep trying to comfort the little girl who’s scared of the dark rather than replacing the burnt out bulb.
This couple had an excellent relationship going until one day he came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was leaving him and she told him that she had heard awful things about him.
“What could they possibly have said to make you move out?”
“They told me that you were a pedophile.”
He replied, “Wow honey, I’m so proud of you! That’s a mighty big word for a six year old.”
One pedophile says to another pedophile, “you got two fives for a ten?”
What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.
The pedophile skipped breakfast but grabbed a little something on his way to work.
What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?
“Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?”
Could YOU be living next door to a pedophile?
Not me! I live next door to two sexy ten year olds.
Why is a pedophile like a tortoise?
Because he gets there before the hare.
What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
Having to go to bed so early.
I had my dreams crushed yesterday.
It turns out the newspaper headline “Town still looking for pedophile” wasn’t a vacancy.
Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies.
Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.
A pedophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest. He says to them kindly:
“Girls I’ll give you each a sweet if I can touch your hair.”
The two girls look at each other and they say that’s fine. He gives them the sweets and strokes their hair.
“I’ll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your shoulders.”
The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and strokes their shoulder. Then he says:
“I’ll give you two more sweets if I can stroke your backs.”
The two girls look at each other and one says to the other:
“By the time he fucks us, we’ll be diabetic.”
My girlfriend said “I’ve heard that there’s a pedophile in the area, do you think it’s true?”
“No, of course not. It’s just stories.” I replied. “Now go to bed or you’ll be tired at school tomorrow.”
If Santa isn’t a pedophile he is wasting a massive opportunity.
My friend accused me of being a pedophile earlier.
“How dare you?” I shouted. “I only said your daughter looked hot and asked if she wanted an ice cream!”
“Maybe so,” he replied, “but you said those two things ten minutes apart…”
Being a pedophile can be risky.
Sometimes it can be touch and go.
What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
You just can’t fit in.
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a virgin these days?
Getting them away from the preschool.
A man is accused of child molestation, however he is let go, when the child was asked if the man did good touch or bad touch, she said GREAT touch.
Pedophiles aren’t all bad. At least they slow down in school zones.
A student came by my office, closed the door and told me she’d be willing to do anything at all, emphasis on *anything* to get a better grade.
So we did a bit of the old in-out, although I felt slightly bad for not telling her that there’s no grades in preschool.
I went to get a prescription for birth control for my 12 year old daughter, and the doctor asked if she was already sexually active.
I told him not really, she pretty much just lies there like her mother.
What do parents and pedophiles both want, but find hard to achieve?
Children going to bed.
I told my girlfriend that I am a pedophile. She took it well and said she already knew.
“How did you know?”
“Because I’m seven.”
“I have to pick my girlfriend up from the daycare.”
“Oh, is she good with kids?”
“I hope so. She needs a few friends her own age.”
Why is Halloween a pedophile’s favorite holiday?
Free delivery.
LikeLike
Wow, thanks Chamrin! That’s quite a collection you’ve got there! Some of those really tickled me.
LikeLike
I absolutely love that light switch. Best bit of catholic kitsch I’ve seen in ages.
LikeLike
have you seen the ‘Jesus is my coach’ figurines?
https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=jesus+is+my+coach&biw=1680&bih=895&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&sqi=2&ved=0ahUKEwj7uLmz1LzKAhXK0xoKHf4GBIMQ_AUIBygC
I wish there’d been one where he’s wrestling on the floor, holding some kid’s head in a thigh-lock with the kids face turning blue….
LikeLike
I’m sure I have been in houses where they were on display. One house, in particular, was so full of this type of stuff that it was impossible to take it all in, especially as my then girlfriend’s father had just come out of the closet and did everything he could to seduce me whenever I was there. But no, I haven’t noticed them before. And even so, I think the light switch takes the ..er… cake?
LikeLike