It’s been a while since I’ve rummaged round in the joke barrel and, what with the mid-winter gloom and the rather serious tone of recent posts, I thought a little light-relief might be in order.
I’ve steered clear of anything that is disrespectful to children, or which is informed with negative, inaccurate ideas about paedophiles. A couple of these, however, are a little darker and less innocent than in the previous three installments, which you can read here:
This may be something to do with my state of mind, or because, if the bottom of the barrel hasn’t quite been reached, I’ve been maybe having to lean in a little deeper to fish the decent ones out.
So take the phone off the hook, pour yourself a glass of wine, turn your best sofa to the log-fire, sit your favourite small child on your lap and together enjoy this selection of the (fourth-)best paedo jokes out there.
(Warning: some of these jokes contain strong language and may not be suitable for small children*)
I totally smashed the world record today for holding your breath under water – 8 minutes 48 seconds.
It all started when the small girl at the swimming pool said to her father, “that’s the man there Daddy!”
Rolf Harris is set to appeal and will be tried again in front of a jury of children.
His lawyers are confident that he will get off.
The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening.
“And what name have you given this little boy?” asked the priest.
“It’s a girl,” said the father out of the side of his mouth. “You’ve got hold of my thumb!”
“I’m a 11-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: email@example.com”
When I was a kid I was very ill in hospital and Gary Glitter came to visit me.
I was touched.
I was so proud when I saw my son getting his first blowjob.
It brought a lump to the back of my throat.
A little boy called Jonny has a swearing disorder. He’s 8 years old, and one day when he goes to school they are learning the alphabet.
Teacher: ‘Can anyone think of a word beginning with A?’
Jonny puts his hand up straight away, but the teacher know he’ll swear so she picks a girl called Julie.
Julie: ‘Apple Miss’
Teacher: ‘Well done, anyone got a word for the letter B?’
Jonny’s hand is up straight away, but she picks Dan knowing that Jonny will swear.
Dan: ‘Butter Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Well done, what about C?’
Jonny, yet again, puts his hand up straight away but the teacher still decides to choose someone else, Hannah.
Hannah: ‘Cup Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Well done. D?’
The teacher sees Jonny and thinks what can he say that is bad for D? So she picks Jonny.
Jonny: ‘Duck, Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Ohh, well done Jonny.’
Jonny: ‘With big fucking bollocks’.
My girlfriend cuddled up to me after sex. “Have you ever thought about… you know… children?” she asked.
“Fuck!” I thought. “How does she know?”
“Even though little Jenny is only 11,” I said to her mother and father at parents’ evening, “she’s already reading to the standard of a 16 year old.”
“We’re so proud!” said her father. “We always knew she was advanced for her age.”
“Well, then,” I said, “you’re going to love her sex education report.”
I was down the pub last night and Gary Glitter came on the jukebox.
Maybe I shouldn’t have put on St Winifred’s School Choir.
There’s an advent calendar for paedophiles.
Its the same as any other calendar, but it’s just got smaller flaps.
I was sat in the pub with my mate:
I said, “I got sacked from the primary school today.”
He said, “Why?”
I said, “I was doing something illegal and one of the children told their parents.”
He said, “Fucking kids.”
I said, “No, stealing stationery this time.”
Why do paedophiles never win gold medals?
They always come in a little behind.
A man approached a little girl in the park
and asked her if she could help him find his puppy.
“No way!” she said. “My mummy told me about people like you.”
“What do you mean?” he protested. “I really can’t find my puppy and I need your help. It’s terrible how parents’ minds have been so poisoned by the gutter press that they end up teaching their children that all adults are child sex perverts!”
“Oh, OK.” she said. “What kind of puppy is he?
“He’s a sausage dog,” he said, “……….and I think he’s hiding down my underpants.”
Newsflash – Gary Glitter has attempted suicide by jumping into the sea.
Coastguards found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy!